The Air I Breathe
by taxidamask
Summary: Eren contracts Hanahaki disease after a tragic falling out with Levi.


Eren knew it was over when he saw the flowers in the bathroom sink: Hanahaki disease. It was caused by one sided love, and the person threw up flowers. He had guessed that it was going to happen sooner or later, but not this soon. The flowers were soft pink, looking like hearts with a white bead on the bottom. They were called the bleeding heart, accurate for what Eren's heart had been going through for the past few months. Looking up into the bathroom mirror, Eren was faced with the reality that it was time. His eyes were already puffy from the ugly sobbing he went through almost every day. Ironically, today would be the one day he would not cry. He would be strong for Levi.

Eren didn't bother rushing to his car for the journey to the hospital. He just used the drive to think about his favorite moments he's had with Levi. How they would go out for ice cream every Friday night, randomly text each other "I love you" as a reminder, even with the other in a different room of the house, and the stupid fights they've had of whose turn it was to throw out the garbage or wash the dishes. They had met in the most typical way, through a friend, but their ending wouldn't be the fairy tale of roses, kisses, and marriage that they were expecting. Instead, it would be marked with pain and tears.

It was after a fight. Eren didn't want to remember what happened but forced himself to. It was after a real fight and definitely not one of their playful ones. Eren was so caught up in the moment that he didn't stop to think, he had just shouted, "You're going to end up like your father and leave me like he did with your mother." He winced at the memory but keeps recollecting. As soon as the words left his mouth, Levi grabbed his car keys and Eren heard the front door slam, taking Eren's heart with him wherever he was going to.

After all that, it's a blur. Eren remembered laying on their couch with a blanket huddled around him, crying and texting Levi to come back until he was torn out of his stupor by a phone call from Mikasa.

"Eren, you need to come here. There was an accident with Levi and... well, I have to tell you in person. But you really need to come here." Her voice was audibly shaking through the receiver. Mikasa's news brought a pit to his stomach. _Levi will be okay. Hospitals save people_, he kept repeating, strongly trying to deny the truth. With sunken eyes and greasy sweatpants, Eren had darted for the hospital, the same thing he was doing now.

Still in flashback mode, Eren kept remembering. He had gotten there and found Mikasa. She had told him what happened, but all he had heard were the words "flipped over", "coma", "brain damage", "won't make it." He had shoved Mikasa out of the way and darted to Levi's room. His soul mate, in the hospital, connected to all those tubes and machines. Eren had felt his heart shatter and drop out of place.

He would only cry at home, not when he visited Levi. Even though there was little chance of him waking from the coma, much less surviving, , the doctors had encouraged Eren to talk to Levi every day and hold his hand, praying for some sort of miracle. Eren ha visited every day, telling Levi about his day and dumb stuff, but it was futile. Levi's eyelids never fluttered open nor did he interlock his fingers with Eren's. _That stuff only happened in the movies, not real life_.

The guilt ate Eren up. If he hadn't said that, Levi wouldn't have crashed. If he had just kept his damn mouth shut for once and thought before speaking. It was all his fault: Levi was dying and Eren was alive. _It should have been me, Eren thought. ._ The nightmares plagued Eren nightly. It was like he could hear Levi's screams and the booming sound of the crash, even though he hadn't been there.

Eren was consumed into a black pit of darkness. Some days he wouldn't bother to get up to go to class or even eat, but he'd always get up and go see Levi.

Eren stopped the car on the side of the road, drifting out of the painful memories. Leaning out his car window, he threw up once more. The same flowers, a grim reminder of what was about to happen, no matter how beautiful they were. Eren remembered how Levi would always surprise him with flowers on the most mundane days, making them into the best days. His heart clenched at the thought.

After pulling over many times, and certain he had left a flower trail to the hospital, Eren arrived. Sighing a deep breath, he walked in, and all the doctors recognized him. They had watched him go up to Levi's room with sympathetic and melancholic eyes. Some had felt guilty about not being able to help Levi, but Eren understood they had tried their best and there was simply nothing they could have done.

"Hey Levi, " Eren whispered as soon as he got to his boyfriend's room. Eren knew Levi's mind wasn't there anymore as soon as he started throwing up the flowers, hence the unrequited love. It was just the shell of his body, his loved one gone. "Today's the big day, huh? The doctors are going to cut you off of life support today." Eren pulled up a chair next to the bed, intertwining his fingers with Levi's. "You'll be seeing your mom today, up above. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you, but will be mad it's this soon. "

Levi's hand was ice cold.

"I know," Eren began, then stopped and swallowed the lump in his throat. "I know if you were here right now, you'd call me a brat, and tell me not to feel guilty for what happened to you." The corners of his lips peaked up, just a tiny bit. "But you aren't here, and I'd give up the world to bring you back. I feel so guilty. I wish I hadn't shouted at you. You were my first love. My only love. And now you're leaving me.

"I won't stop saying it. I love you. When you go, you'll have my heart with you to show your mom, okay? You can tell her all about how smitten you were a green-eyed brat. You can tell her all our adventures. All the bad days we had together. I'm sure she'd love that. You know, I won't stop blaming me for this whole mess for the rest of my life. I had one good thing and I messed it up. I fucked up big time this time. But I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. And I'll never, ever stop for the rest of my life," he gave Levi's hand one last squeeze. He got up, kissed his lover's lips one last time, and whispered into them, "I'll never forget you." Walking out of Levi's room, Eren told the doctors to go ahead and to pull the plug. He couldn't face being there when they did.

The thing with Hanahaki disease was that it didn't end until the victim died. Eren would have given so much to have died instead of Levi. The flowers would be a daily reminder, not only of Eren's guilt, but of what could have been. He only hoped that the petals would fill his lungs soon and send him to join his love.


End file.
